PACO 603: Six Signs the Person May Not Be Marriage Material: Choose One, 7/19/2026

All six  (a taker, a daydreamer, a mean person, an addict; a jerk/an arrogant person) are problematic for obvious reasons; however, I feel strongly that being lazy is a tough thing to overcome in marriage.

First of all, I come from a sociocultural and hardworking immigrant family background where we take nothing for granted. We work hard, and as a result, we as individuals and an ethnic group have been able to overcome many difficulties in our lives over the past several decades,  and consequently as a group we have been able to accomplish some good things in our lives which we can be genuinely proud of. The next generation of our family members could be one of those legacies. Still to this date, I have not met a single family group in the United States, who outworks us. Period. If there exists such a family, please let me know because I’d really be interested in getting to the bottom of it, and learn their family secret.

Well, consequently, in some academic circles to researchers we as a distinguished ethnic group have become known as “overachievers” or “Model Minority Group”—which isn’t always a good thing to be labelled as such. However, the work ethic has always been present for most people that I have come to know in our circle of contacts, and in most instances we can hang our hat on that and be content.

As a matter of fact as long as I can remember there has never been a person in my family including my own siblings or close relatives who could be termed “lazy.” I saw how such a strong work ethic should be practiced daily in my own parents first hand since a very young age—my own deceased dad and my now living octogenarian mom. No parent would ever outwork my parents as far as I am concerned—they were the first to work and the last to bed. All their lives. (Even the time when I was working myself to death in my thirties, I would doubt that I’d significantly narrowed the gap between myself and my dad in particular over his long and many years of dedication and work-ethic, which he quietly exhibited to emulate.) That trait just is not found in our genes. Period.

The Bible mentions regarding being slothful/lazy in several places and I’d like to mention several here:

Proverbs 6:6-11, “Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.”

Proverbs 10:4 & 13:4, “A slack hand causes poverty, but the hand of the diligent makes rich.”

2 Thessalonians 3:10bm “If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.”

Romans 12:11, “Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.” All these listed biblical verses above are self-evident as to the importance and benefits of working hard and not being lazy to any person with common sense. Let’s not forget that the early riser Jesus talks about “wicked and slothful servant” in Matthew 25:26 in one of his well-known parables; the takeaway/outcome is that faithful servant gets rewarded multiple times whereas the slothful lazy servant loses what he already has and, worse, gets thrown out into the darkness outside!

As the authors say, “Many people feel defrauded when they finally marry and their partner seems to sleep at the wheel. For many couples, the chase and courtship are the game and settling into a lifetime of matrimony is a long way from the early carefree days of their romance.”[1] Well, we are living in tougher economic environment where every single essential items cost that much more for a couple; the couple would need to be invested in one another, frugal, wise with their hard-earned money; and having a partner who is also willing to do his/her share of helping out the home finance will be that much valuable, responsible, mature, and trustworthy equal partners in the all-important stake called marriage. 

[1] Gary Thomas, Steve Wilke, and Rebecca Wilke, Nine Essential Conversations Before You Say "I Do" (Colorado Springs: David C Cook, 2021), 20.

** My response to someone named Demetrius:

Dear Demetrius,

Thanks for your post; it was well-written and I thought that you expressed your ideas quite well. You know, I like your picking on a taker as we mostly do not like this type of people as they appear/act to be selfish, opportunistic, inconsiderate, and greedy to say the least. For a marriage material, this type definitely raises a red flag as it typically points to/personifies what we usually term as a trophy wife/husband, right? Is there a true love on her part? Probably not.

As we get older our perspectives change somewhat because we become more mature in the process after having experienced and gone through a lot of life events, things and whatnots. And that is true of my current perspectives of my own deceased dad.

As my dad’s anniversary of passing nears, I’d like to talk about my dad/mom, the ultimate “givers” (the total opposite of “takers”) in my humble opinion a little in my response:

Now I realize what kind of obstacles and hardship my pastor dad did face in the US once he immigrated here at the ripe old age of 50. He mentioned to me several times personally how hard it was for him to keep up with his once quite good English (He worked as an interpreter in the S. Korean army and was placed in the department handling the US Army issued PX items, a position of influence and nice income) and maintain a good usage of it due to the fact that he was pastoring a 100% pure Korean congregation: he was only meeting Koreans all the time, and we at our home were all speaking Korean all the time too, which didn’t help his English-speaking skills for sure. (After having spoken Korean only at my house with my S. Korea born wife for almost a decade, I can kind of relate to that in some way. He came to the states at age 50! At least I came here at much younger age.)

I think that we all expected our dad to be a super-hero in our mind thinking that he should be the best pastor in the whole world and be the best human being too in the midst of juggling two (full-time) jobs to support his many kids. Impossible. We all thought that He ought to speak and act as if he is the re-incarnation of Jesus Christ so that he should have the temperaments of Jesus Christ our Lord all the time, and all that in relationship with each one of us. Impossible as well. My deceased older brother, also a pastor, once confessed to me how he could then relate to our dad, after having become a father to his own three kids. My brother told me how he would not even come close to matching the work ethic, the dedication, the love & care, and the parenting skills my dad did have. My deceased brother felt that he would fall way short of how our dad handled his own duty as a parent. Previously, my deceased older brother did not always hold our dad in the highest regards.

Oh well, my dad wasn’t perfect by any means, no one is, but he should be given a lot more credit than what some of his kids might have given him a credit for, and lately some of my own siblings are speaking out voicing the same thing. There are some regrets expressed in that we are talking about like how we should have taken a better care of him once he got old and feeble; just treating him better, be gentler with him, shower him with well-deserved gifts when the occasions called for, etc. Sighs…

The standard was set so high  for him by us, you know as we all expected just so much out of him wanting him to be perfect—like Jesus, not possible, simply because my dad had many outstanding talents/attributes that we did not see in other individuals/pastors of his age, profession, and generation. My dad had many God-given talents. Nowadays, I look at myself in the mirror, and realize that I have long ways to go…My dad’s most precious trait was his giving spirits freely—lots of love…And that is how I remember him the most. He loved me the most (more than any other kids, and we have all grown now and become old that my siblings don’t resent it as much as they might have in the past); but still he had plenty of love to give to other people...

My deceased dad along with my mom are the ultimate givers having sacrificed a ton in their lives, and we all recognize that. They scraped and saved for their kids. And we all love and respect them for that.. The key is LOVE they had. And a free spirit to give. The generation(s) which came after our own parents are not necessarily like the previous one as they grew up in significantly more wealthy environment. Things were relatively plenty for them. However, when there wasn’t all that much to give around, my parents did that for me, us. And they took almost nothing for themselves until we were well taken care of. And that says a lot. True giving stems and is based on agape love for Christians, certainly. The pre-engagement couples could use a whole lot of it moving forward imo.

The Bible talks about a couple being as one as in, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Gen. 2:24 ESV). Realizing that they are one and in the same boat would bolster the feeling of oneness, togetherness of a couple and hopefully lessen the behavior of taking from the other.

Eccles. 4:9-11 mentions, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?” Certainly, it is a teamwork and in order for a team to succeed the team members, a husband and a wife should be united for the same cause—that is lots of loving, giving, and less of a taking. The authors write, “It is not selfish to want to marry a giver. It is wise. It is being a good steward of your time and life. It is a gift to your future children (just think about it)[1]. Be wise and invest well: marry a giver as my dad did for sure. And my mom as well.

[1] Gary Thomas, Steve Wilke, and Rebecca Wilke, Nine Essential Conversations Before You Say "I Do" (Colorado Springs: David C Cook, 2021), 19.

**My response to someone named Joy:

Hey Joy,

Thanks for your well-written post; it was a fun reading for sure.

As you noted, “Thomas et al. (2021) describe humility as the foundation of many positive character traits because it allows individuals to accurately see and acknowledge their flaws and faults, serve others, and value their spouse’s needs above their own; arrogance fosters the opposite effect,” arrogance is counter-productive (Vs. humility) in a way that it hides its own fault or shortcomings while acting as if others do not quite measure up.

Basically, it (arrogance) is fundamentally hypocritical in nature and content which rubs the regular people in a wrong way time and time again. Jesus warned about such behavior as in “Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?” (Matt. 7:4-5 KJV). If we stretch this concept of being arrogant a little further, be a devil’s advocate, then a certain passage comes to mind as in “I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.’ But you are brought down to Sheol, to the far reaches of the pit.” (Isaiah 14:15 ESV). No one in his right mind would compare his lovely girlfriend or fiancé to the being of the devil, but you get the picture.

We live in pop culture which glorifies and endorses (wrongful) self-empowerment and self-aggrandization, and in the process virtues such as humility, empathy, kindness, and patience have all been largely forgotten/ignored/scorned upon or put to the back burner in people’s mindset or way of life. If you don’t live it up, you might as well be labelled as a loser in this toxic climate of always trying to be the best, #1 at whatever you do as the pop culture build you up to be.

Being humble, kind, and possessing an attribute toward building the right kind of rapport with one’s potential lifetime partner for happy marriage takes years’ of practice prior to the marriage as it doesn’t happen overnight once one gets officially married.

The authors are bemused as in, “Don’t make the mistake many do and fall for a person’s potential. You’ll ruin this exercise if you think you can substantially change the person you’re marrying. It’s a mistake to marry someone with whom you know or even suspect you are somewhat incompatible, hoping that, sooner rather than later, you’ll become compatible.”; the championship-yearning devoted sports fans are all aware that there have been many busted #1 draft picks who were selected on potential, as they turned out to be rather duds than studs. It is never wrong to ask, “Show me the money, and show it to me now!” Or hit the road, Jack.

Thomas, Gary, et al. Nine Essential Conversations Before You Say I Do, David C. Cook, 2021. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=6417813.Created from liberty on 2026-07-19 19:49:15.